Remembering Lani

It will be six years on August 29 since Lani Brandolino Dickson left this world. Before Lani died she said "DON'T put my pictures in a box and forget me!" Well, her pictures aren't in a box, they are digitalized in my computer and I certainly haven't forgotten Lani, but I still think she would want to come out of the digital box and be formally remembered.

I met Lani at work in 2002. One day through mutual friends we ended up at a restaurant for lunch. It was a barbecue place over by St Marks. Lani was quite outspoken. She was sitting across the table from me being loud and saying the most outrageous things. After one of her comments I asked "what trailer park did you grow up in?" Without skipping a beat Lani came back with "the one right next to yours." That was the exact moment I knew that I liked her and wanted to be her friend.It was only a couple of months after I met Lani that she got sick. It seems like yesterday that we were standing outside an elevator and she lifted up the back of her shirt and said "feel this, what do you think it is?" She had a couple of really large lumps on her back. I didn't know what they were but didn't think they were good. Usually I would have said something like, "it's a tumor" as a joke, instead I just asked her if there were any other parts of her body she wanted me to feel.

Throughout her illness she kept her sense of humor and enthusiasm. A couple of months before she died we were at Dairy Queen. Lani loved DQ. Lani asked for a chocolate dipped ice cream cone. She asked the lady to dip it twice and she said "we don't dip twice." Lani looked at her and said "I'm dying, this could be my last ice cream cone." The lady just stared at her and said "we don't double dip." (She looked great. She definitely didn't look like she was dying.) At that point I got mad and screamed at the lady, "SHE'S DYING DOUBLE DIP HER DAMN ICE CREAM CONE!" The lady double dipped it and handed it to Lani. If looks could kill we'd both have dropped dead right then. We left DQ and Lani started laughing and said at least there was one benefit to dying.

I wish I could say that this flower garden in my back yard is still there as a tribute to Lani but in reality it is now a bunch of sticks and leaves.
When I took this picture, the flash went off, the bird jumped and Lani screamed. This made me laugh. However, Lani found no humor in it. She would sleep on the couch for hours with her oxygen and that heating pad. She had the heating pad turned up so high and was on so much pain medication that she got second degree burns.
This is Rhonda, Lani and me up at Huntsman for one of Lani's appointments.

Lani cleaning my kitchen with a bird on her head. Who couldn't love a woman who cleans your kitchen.

When Lani went to the University for the last time it was really hard. It was a terrible hospitalization. Her pain was poorly controlled and I saw some incredibly shoddy nursing and medical care. The total lack of compassion was to me as a nurse embarrassing. I will never forget the total lack of empathy. There was not one experience that was bad, it happened over and over. At one point Lani's central line came out. They left her in the preop area for three hours without pain medicine while she waited to get it replaced. Of course Lani was alone in the preop area and didn't have anyone there to advocate for her.

At one point Lani had a PCA pump (Patient controlled anesthesia) and she kept pushing the button. A nurse came in and literally yelled at her "If you keep pushing that button you are going to die!" Lani got this look of total fear in her eyes. It was horrible. I looked at the nurse and said "and if she doesn't push the button she won't die? Is not dying and option?" The nurse didn't say anything he just left the room. Just thinking about that memory enrages me! I like to think that because of how Lani was treated I am a better nurse. Through it all Lani endured.

A couple of days before she died Lani was in and out of consciousness. At one point she woke up and whispered, "Carol, come here." I lean over thinking she is going to say something important and she says, "It's shark week on the Discovery channel." What the crap? Every year when I see advertisements for shark week I think of Lani. Why shark week was important to her I do not know.

As I look back over these memories it seems like there are a lot more sad ones than happy. We did have some really fun experiences but honestly there were more sad than happy. Lani died about a year after I met her so the majority of the time I spent with her involved being with her while she was sick. Taking her doctor appointments, interleukin, radiation, MRIs, CTs.... People cross our lives for different reasons at different times. I think I crossed Lani's because she needed someone to advocate for her as she navigated health care. I think I crossed Lani's because I needed a reminder to always appreciate what I have and never take my family, husband, friends or life for granted. For whatever reason, I am glad our lives crossed.

Lani touched my life, my husbands and my children. She was one of the few people in the world Carter would talk to. She had an impact on Alika. We were in the ER at the U once and Alika was with us. Lani was having trouble breathing and she was very sad. She started crying and saying that she did not want to die. Alika was sitting next to her. I remember looking at Alika's huge, tear filled eyes and thinking, this is pretty intense for a 13 year old! I know Alika will always remember Lani and the trials she endured. Alex gets sad every time he hears Josh Grobin's song "You're still here" because it makes him think of her. For years AJ had this tiny little plastic toy in his room. I asked him once why he had it and he said Lani had given it to him.

Lani loved California. She didn't love Utah so much. She loved her friends, going out to eat and shopping. Lani loved her family. She loved her kids! She was heartbroken that she wasn't going to be here to see them grow up.

Lani, everyone who knew you misses you.