Mom

Mom has been having a hard time for the past few weeks. She has been in pain, depressed and increasingly weak. She kept telling me she wanted to die and couldn't understand why she was still here when she had so many opportunities to die. She cried everyday. Her ribs were hurting her so bad she said the pain was unbearable. Her toes hurt, her back hurts. Pretty much every part of her body hurts. She didn't have any appetite. All she ate was salty Carmel cookies from Target, frozen peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and ice cream. About 2 weeks ago I called Dr. Horsley's office and asked them to increase her Fentanyl. The patches go up by 25 mcg so the dose was for 50. The first day on 50 she was feeling pretty good, the second day she was too weak to get up and really confused. She was crying and she told me she was going to die. I asked her what she wanted me to write in her obituary. She said write "I cried." I said, "OK, I will write you cried and then you died and that you died without any complaining." We started laughing and she said "say I bitched and moaned until the end" then we started to laugh.

 I took off half so she was back to her usual dose but then her pain was out of control again. I called the doctor back and we switched her to part of a patch so about 35 mcg. That seemed to work, she was slow and drowsy but not in pain. She became very agreeable and even liked the night gowns and underwear I bought. Usually, everything I buy is wrong. She slept a lot but when she was awake she felt good.  She started eating lots. She had bacon and eggs, sandwiches, fruit, cottage cheese, ice cream, pudding and her frozen peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

On Friday she started getting slower and on Sunday even slower. It would take her 10 minutes to walk the 3 steps to the bathroom.  Tuesday I took her breakfast, set her up and went to DIA for a couple of hours. When I got home she had fallen half way out of the bed and couldn't get back in. She had her cell phone in her hands but couldn't figure out how to call me. I lifted her up, got her to the bathroom and back to bed. She was in agony. She told me she was dying and I believed her. I don't know what happened but she was no longer able to move her left side. It took at least 30 minutes to get her to the toilet and back to bed. I had to stand behind her, hold her up and move her feet with my feet. I asked her if she wanted Hospice and she said yes. I called her doctor's office but her doctor was out of town and the on call doctor wouldn't call in a Hospice order. I called Donna a friend who is director of a Hospice company and she had their Medical Director come to the house and assess mom and admit her to Hospice.

I put her in depends but yesterday she was still wanting to get up to the bathroom. AJ helped me get her up the last time and it was tough. AJ lifted her and we used the rolling chair to get her to the bathroom and back. By the time we got her back in bed mom and I were both sweating. She was in so much pain she was gray. I gave her a lot of Lortab yesterday and when she was in bed she was comfortable unless we moved her.  One of the nurses from Hospice called last night to tell me when they would come and do her admission. The nurse kept asking questions about when she would come and she had me so confused. I did not like her at all. Finally, I started to cry and told her she was confusing me and to just tell me when she was coming.

I slept downstairs on the couch last night and at 4 am she was trying to get out of bed. I had a diaper on her and had her sit up and pee in the diaper and then changed it. There was no way I could get her to the bathroom by myself. Even when I did get her to the bathroom she couldn't go.

This morning when Hospice arrived I opened the door and the nurse said "I know you!" It was Kelli one of my old C.N.A. students and  my RN student when I worked at Eaglegate. That was a pleasant surprise. Kelli, the social worker and a nurse who is orienting got mom admitted. It felt really good. The new pain med didn't get delivered until 9:30 tonight. I was holding off giving her anything until they got here because it's so hard for her to swallow. She was agitated so I did give her a Klonopin. She kept getting up to go to the bathroom which was causing stress. Kelli had brought over a catheter. Mom told me she wanted it because she couldn't pee and she really needed to go. I put in the Foley and got out about 100 mL. After the catheter she was still trying to get up to pee because the catheter makes you feel that way. After 9:30 I gave her the new Ativan and liquid Lortab and now she's sleeping.

Steph flew in at 8:30 so she's sleeping downstairs tonight. More family is arriving tomorrow. I vacillate between crying and relief that this is how it's going to end. She's not going to have to go to a nursing home which has been her fear. I'm not going to come home and find her dead on the bathroom floor with a head injury or broken hip. She's going to die comfortably at home in her own bed.