Really sad times

I knew I would be sad when my mom died but I was not prepared for the magnitude of my sorrow. I knew I would be lost in that I've taken care of her for so long that not having to care for her would be a big life adjustment. I was expecting to not be functioning three days later. Sean made me a graph with his interpretation of my feelings it goes like this:

L  10000%

J  1%

He printed his chart because he wants to reassess my mood tomorrow.

I'm going to post some pictures that are really too painful to look at. It really reminded me of  birth in reveres there were all six kids, spouses, grandchildren and a nephew and niece in the room welcome her out of this earth and into whatever comes next. She had been incoherent most of the day. Her eyes were open so they were really dry. I put some eye drops in and the drops in her left eye hurt and made her blink. Char told her she loved her and mom said something back to Char. I was laying next to her. I rested my forehead on her nose and her nose was on my forehead so I was looking in her eyes. I asked her "can you see me? She said "yes". She then starting gasping and took her last breaths. Everyone came and kissed her goodbye. After everyone went upstairs, Char, Autumn, Steph, Andrea and I cleaned her up. We dressed her in her garments, one of the new long sleeve nightgowns that I had just bought her. She had her rosary wrapped around one hand and a worry stone in the other. I called Hospice and they came out then the funeral home. I had to go upstairs when they took her out. I just couldn't watch them take her out of the house. I guess as death goes, it was good. She was tired of living, she was tired of being sick and she was tired of being lonely and she was really tired of being in pain. She died two days after Hospice started. She aspirated about an hour before she died but I think she was comfortable and at peace.

We played classical music on the television.

I don't have any pictures of Brad or Lynn but they were there too. It's so strange, I wake up thinking "I've got to fix Grandma breakfast" then I remember she's dead, same thing happens for lunch, dinner and her ice cream cone. It's going to take me awhile to get acclimated. Andrea, Brad and Teresa came and got the file cabinet full of genealogy and all the old pictures. I hung up the newer pictures in her room. I got her clothes to Savers. AJ cleaned her carpet. I got her dolls put back in the boxes. Steph is going to help me get the bathroom and closet under the stairs cleaned up tomorrow. She didn't have a lot of stuff because she had downsized so much. Her life consisted of her bedroom and her bathroom. It was a good reminder of how little material things matter.