The deed is done

I took the kids to the DCFS building this morning and handed them over to their new foster family. It was a hard night. Sabrina called me around 10:30 absolutely beside herself. She was sobbing telling me she had been raped in foster care and that nobody knows what goes on when the doors are closed. She was so despondent there was nothing I could say to her. Yes, bad things happened to her and all her siblings in foster care. I know for a fact that there are good families out there but there are horrible ones too. Jenny had told me the same thing the day before when she begged me not to let them go into foster care. Heather has been totally distraught because this is not the right time for her to take these girls but she desperately wants to. I feel guilty because I am the “obvious” person to keep them but Don and I aren’t up to raising three more kids. We have our hands full with Sean. Needless to say there has been a lot of soul searching on the parts of three families as we turn these little girls over to the foster care system. It has not been a decision that any of us have taken lightly.

A hug and a snuggle before I take them to their new family

We had a great day with the girls yesterday. They went to school with Sean. After school we went to Carl’s Junior and they played with Holland and Ryder. Heather and I just talked about how bad we feel about the situation and how much Heather wants those girls. I was feeling optimistic and thinking that things were going to work out. (I have waves of optimism, followed by despair, followed by anger at Jenny and Ryan) On a funny note: when Heather was getting Ryder out of the car Sean looked at him and said “It’s a baby me!” Pretty cute, it is a baby him. After dinner Don and I took the kids swimming. They came home exhausted and were asleep in minutes. I talked to Don’s sister Dava who has been a foster mom forever about what to tell the girls. She reminded me that the girls have no concept of time and to just let them know they were going to play with someone. Before they went to bed I told them we were going to “meet new friends today.” Kylie said ok but she’d rather go to school with Sean. The girls talked to their mom on the phone yesterday for the first time in a month. Kylie said “mommy where are you? I haven’t seen you in a couple of days.”

A dip in the pool. (Sean pooped in it, Kylie threw up it, and Brie blew her nose in it. I think we covered all the basis. Contact me to find out what kiddie pool not to swim in)

This morning I had all their stuff packed in the car. Kylie picked up a couple of stuffed animals and wanted to know if she could “keep them.” Strange, we’ve had those stuffed toys forever and she’s never asked that. I told her yes, and then Brie picked out a couple of stuffed animals to “keep.” Frida came over last night to watch Sean today so she was here this morning. She fixed Kylie’s hair.



After breakfast I told the girls we were going to meet new friends. Don came with me, thank goodness. Sabrina had said last night she was going to come but called this morning and said she wasn’t. I was relieved because I think it would have been too much for her to have to be there. Sean had a fit when the girls left but the girls were happy to get in the car with me.



I was having all kinds of guilt. I felt like I did when I drove my dad to the nursing home. Here these little girls trust me with their lives and I am potentially putting them in harms way. How can I do that? I cried all the way down town while the girls sang Hakuna matata in the back seat. How’s that for irony? When we got to the DCFS building I got out of the car and the dissociative feeling that has served me so well as a nurse took over. It is what allows me to hand someone their dead baby or do CPR on an 11 year old and stay calm and unemotional. My body is there and all the words come out but I am not really there. It’s a state of being that has served me well over the years.



Don and I walk across the parking lot as soon as we opened the door we saw a couple sitting in the lobby. I knew that it was “them.” I could tell by the way they were smiling at the girls. They had excitement and anticipation in their eyes. “Are you them” I asked and they say yes. There names are Tammi and Bryon. They have 5 kids. Eek you say? Not really, their kids are 17, 14, 12 and 8 year old twins. They are all girls except for one of the twins. The twins were foster babies that they brought home from the hospital and adopted at 8 months. The husband who is an accountant decided a couple of months ago that they should add to the family. The mom who works at home wasn’t so sure about diapers and getting up at night. They decided as a family that they would like a toddler or preschooler. They just finished all the classes and got approved a couple of weeks ago. They said they were so excited last night when they found out about the girls that they just couldn’t wait to meet them. Their teenage girls are ecstatic. Their 12 year old wants to teach them their colors and shapes and how to read. The boy is happy that he won’t be “the baby” anymore. I am happy that the girls will be the babies. Their house is full of pink. They hope to adopt the girls some day.



I just had nightmare visions of a career foster family with 5 kids under 5 who didn’t really want the girls and would be treat them like second class kids. Not this family, they are going to be little princesses, which is good because that is what they are. I had written a letter telling all about Kylie and Brie and printed off about 40 pictures of them over the years, including pictures of their mom and dad. I kept thinking what if I hand this packet to the foster family and they don’t even look at it. If that happens I will know they shouldn’t have the girls. When I gave her the packet the mom said, “oh thank you, that’s great.” She took the pictures out and was asking the girls to tell her who was in them. It was such a relief. They really wanted to know and understand the girls and their family. After about 45 minutes I asked the girls if they wanted to go with their new friends and see their dogs and meet their kids. They were jumping up and down and happy to go. Don pulled the car around and we transferred all the stuff to their car. The girls were already in the car. Kylie had her stuffed toys and Brie was playing with an empty medicine syringe. They were so happy. The only tears were mine and Don’s. The dramatic scene I feared didn’t happen. They did not look back. They were happy and ready to go. Tammi had promised them nail polish!



I feel like this huge weight has been lifted off of my soul.