Five years. It's been five years since my mom died. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her and miss her. You don't understand how much you will miss your mother until she's gone. When Carter was born I had an absolutely terrible delivery. I remember saying to my mom, "why didn't you tell me childbirth was so awful?" and she said "I thought I did." After she died I wanted to say to her "why didn't you tell me I was going to miss you so bad?" I imagine she would have said, "I thought I did." I know she was miserable and she told me many times she wanted to die but it doesn't take away from how much I miss her or how often there is something I need to tell her.

She said she looked like Mrs. Chancelor from the Young and the Restless in this picture.

This was the last place I took her it was a bridal shower for Riley at John and Julie's house. Mom was so excited about going and then at the last minute she decided it was too much trouble. I told her she should just go because she had been looking forward to it for weeks. She didn't have much fun, she didn't like the food, it was an hour drive and her back hurt. On the way home we stopped at McDonald's for an ice cream home and she said "that it wasn't worth the effort. I don't want to go out again" she said, and she didn't.

So many of my childhood memories are related to my mom's polio and her falling. Shortly before the cruise she got hit by the door at Shopko and fell and got a concussion. I don't think she ever 100% recovered. I let her go into Shopko by herself and I was asleep in the car. I had MRSA in my finger and felt like crap. Someone started beeping a horn and I looked up and saw mom laying on the ground. I ran over and sat next to her on the ground until the ambulance came. When I was in 3rd grade my mom took me to the dentist and we were at the hospital and she fell. I remember standing in the hallway crying as they wheeled her away. Eventually we left the hospital and the parking attendant was gone and my mom was crying because she didn't have money to put into the machine to get our car out of the parking lot. I had my lunch money in my bag and remember being so proud that I was able to "save the day" with my lunch money.

She loved being a Grandma with Steph and Carter.

I still haven't figured out where this picture was taken.

Oh yeah, our Glamour shots. That was a fun day at the mall.

Myrtle Beach with Don's Mom, Sharon. Mom really enjoyed that trip.

A family baby shower for AJ

Ah the 60's

With AJ

With Alex and Emma

I'm guessing Myrtle Beach

The beach was always our big trip

In Idaho Falls at the temple when we went to get sealed.

Feeding popcorn to the little Sean bird

With Grandma Dolder and Uncle Ed in Lynchburg

When Marian and John came for a visit.

At Kerr lake with a baby Carter

With Grandma Dolder and George Barrows

Christmas in NC

No clue where we were eating

Grandma Dolder is actually in the picture. Dad must have been taking it.

Christmas at Grandma Dolders house on Hyde Park avenue in Durham.

Mom always liked Tepenyaki

Grandma Dolder's house again.

A conference I was in charge of when I was working at PVH

Sitting in her bed at 4132 Chapel Hill Road.

Where she always was when I was a kid. In the kitchen.

Dad would bring home some awful cast offs from the hospital. Like this ugly yellow chair.

Her new chair lift.

When I was looking through pictures I came across a bunch of pictures that were taken when mom was dying. I could barely stand to look at them much less post them but this one kind of made me laugh. Mom fell and cracked her head in the kitchen and she had me take pictures and post them on Facebook with no information. She enjoyed people calling to see what had happened. The next day I had to wash her hair and she couldn't stand so I got in the shower in my underwear and had her backed up in the wheelchair to the shower and I washed her hair with the shower head. I told her she was the only patient I ever stripped down to my underwear to help shower.

If Roses grow in Heaven

If Roses grow in Heaven
Lord, please pick a bunch for me.
Place them in my Mother's arms
and tell her they're from me.

Tell her that I love her and miss her,
and when she turns to smile,
place a kiss upon her cheek
and hold her for awhile.

Because remembering her is easy,
I do it every day,
but there's an ache within my heart
that will never go away.

Author: Kirsten Preus