Trying to remain positive

I'm really trying to maintain a positive attitude about Kylie and Brie's situation and not be judgemental. I can't throw stones when I was not willing to take the girls permanently.... BUT....It's hard not to at least cast some disapproving glances. Jenny said "I knew the girls would end up getting bounced around in the foster care system." I said "well, you were right, I didn't believe you but then again I only believe 25% of what you say." She was right on this one. My anger at Jenny and Ryan aside. The girls looked good today, they smelled good and they were happy. Brie was talking and making eye contact none of the behaviors that she displays when she is stressed. That was positive.

The negative. We went to McDonald's and at one point Kylie asked "How come Tammy not coming back?" I didn't know what to say. Tammy sent the kids to respite care last week when they went to California and then called on Monday and said she wasn't taking them back. The girls didn't get a chance to say goodbye or do any sort of processing. That's got to do bad things to their self esteem. Why does no one want me? Am I bad? Kylie was looking at me waiting for an answer and Jenny was looking down. What to say, what to say??? I said "Kylie Tammy had to go to work and couldn't take care of you anymore." In retrospect that was a stupid answer. Now Kylie's going to think if people go to work they will leave her and when she grows up she will find herself attracted to unemployed losers like her father. They won't leave her except to periodically go to jail. (That of course is all going to happen because of my crappy answer)

 I asked Kylie if she missed Tammy and was sad about not seeing her anymore and she said "no." I don't know if I should take that literally or as a defense mechanism. I know there was stress between Kylie and Tammy. Tammy told me the last time we were together that she was having a really hard time because Kylie was having mega tantrums and breaking Brie's things. She also resented the obvious favoritism that Jenny and Ryan demonstrate for Kylie over Brie. Tammy's other huge complaint was that the case worker would not arrange any of the visits around her schedule and she was worried about losing her job. She was making up to four trips per week for visits, sometimes two separate trips in one day. When she asked to have the visits consolidated the case worker told her that wasn't convenient for Ryan. WHAT, I think something snapped for the foster family when they got that answer. It's not about what's convenient for the foster family or the kids it's the parents who had such bad behavior they lost their kids in the first place that are of interest to the state. For the past month I've put my supervised visit next to Jenny's DCFS visit to save a trip but it was apparently too little too late.

Mega frustration. SO today the case worker asks me if I can move my visit to the afternoon so they can clump three visits together to save the new foster family having to make so many trips. WHAT?????? Now you do that. You couldn't do it when Tammy asked but now it's OK. That makes no sense to me at all. I feel sure there was more to the story then I know but honestly I don't know why they don't automatically clump visits. It just makes sense. Tammy had mentioned to me on Sean's birthday that she was worried about how behind the girls were and that the state wasn't working to get them into any early intervention and she was worried about how hard it was going to be for them when they entered school.

Back to trying to be optimistic. I asked Brie about her new home and she said "it's bee-you-ti-ful." I asked who lived there and she couldn't tell me. There is a dog named Tinkerbell and a brown boy. Hm??? I was in the playroom with the girls and Sean reading a story I had my back to the door when Kylie and Brie jumped up excited. The new foster father was there. I was pleased that the girls were excited to see him. I introduced myself to him and told him who I was and introduced Sean. He said "oh they were talking about a baby and a brother but I didn't understand." They know nothing about the girls history. Heck the case worker hasn't even met the new family!!! Oh wait, I was being positive. The second thing I noticed (after the fact that the girls liked him) was that he was my age. I asked if he had kids and he said he had four grown children and he and his wife had adopted two through the foster care system. (Hence the brown boy)  And have three at home (and a 20 year old who he said needs to move out.) He, he I told him the 20 year old might move out but when she ran out of toilet paper and food she would be back. He said they had adopted the kids two years ago and they were six and eight and had been badly abused and that Kylie was really bringing the little girl out of her shell. They had some kids this summer that had major behavior problems and about destroyed them he said. He called the girls "a piece of cake." I dunno, they've only been there a week and attitudes change but I can hope that it works out. I don't know if this family is interested in long term, the case worker (Clarice, I'm sick of referring to her as THE case worker) says they are but what the heck does Clarice know? She's never met them. The girls are starting Head Start on Monday. Tammy was never able to get the kids in school. This family must be proactive and know how to make the foster care system work. I hope!!!

I'm positive the girls are in a better place then they would be with their parents but discouraged. When I think that Sean could be getting bounced from foster home to foster home it makes me sick to my stomach. Heck, I felt major guilt today because Sean cried when I took him to school and wanted me to take him home but I had to go work. The girls are going to live with strangers.....again. But I would rather they being living with strangers then back with their parents. They are in a better place and I don't even know where they are but they don't smell and they aren't drooling, swearing and talking baby talk so they are much better off then they were.