Illinois

Don, Sean and I made an emergency trip to Illinois on Monday. We decided at 8 p.m. on Sunday that we were coming and we left the house for the airport at 6 a.m. on Monday. That's how we roll.

Don's mom is not well. To be more precise, Don's mom is dying. She's had breast cancer for four years. She decided not to treat it aggressively and just take oral chemo. That suppressed it for awhile but then it came back with a vengeance. She always swore she wouldn't do IV chemo or radiation but when they told her it was in her liver and bones she decided to try aggressive treatment. It's not that she was so concerned about dying but she is just concerned about leaving Addie. I think since Darci died she felt a morale obligation to try and live as long as she could for Addie. The treatment was not successful. It just made her lose her hair, which she really hates. Her long hair meant a lot to her. The chemo made her sick and tired and it didn't make a difference.

The cancer is in her liver, her spine and around her heart. She said it's in her lumbar spine but it seems to me like it's up higher.

Her grandson Kylie has been at the house with her since after Thanksgiving. When we got here he went back to Kansas to take a break for a couple of days. He has been a real trooper.

She can't walk, she can't take care of herself. She still puts on a cheerful front. Her affect is almost childlike. She always smiles and she knows who I am but she's not herself. She hates having people help her and keep apologizing. (Now that's typical for her.) She is very agitated, she picks at everything and is always tangling herself up in her blankets. She's not sleeping. I asked her what she was thinking while she lays in bed and she said she's just sort of "blank." She hallucinates all the time. She sees a bird in her room and shooting stars. Yesterday evening I went in her room and it was dark and she said "Carol, whose baby is that on the sewing machine." I turned the light on and said "there's no baby on the sewing machine" but she still saw it. When I told her it wasn't there she believed me but she still saw it. Then she asked me if I saw the ring of wire on the wall and I said no. They are strange hallucinations because they are totally visual but she is lucid enough to understand that what she is seeing makes no sense. She doesn't see scary things which is good.


Last night she fell twice. The first time we didn't hear her. She has two dogs, Okie and Polly. The dogs drive me crazy. They jump, they don't listen and Polly pees and poops in the house. At midnight Okie came in our room and put his nose in my face, I kept telling him to go away. Finally I got up and went to let him outside. He went to the front door walked outside then right back in. He walked back into Sharon's room. I found her sitting on the floor. We got her cleaned up and back in bed.  The rest of the night I could hear her talking to people who weren't there.

At 6 a.m. we heard a HUGE bang and I knew it was a bad fall. She trys to get up to go to the bathroom.  She cut her both hands. She was face down on the floor and said she hit her cheek on the wheelchair on the way down. I expected her to have a big bruise this morning but she didn't. She ate a couple bites of fruit this morning for breakfast. Last night she ate  a little bit of mashed potato's and sauerkraut. (It's my families tradition)

I called the hospice nurse today and asked her to bring some Ativan. I don't know if I can convince her to take it because she doesn't like meds but if I don't have any then I have zero chance of getting her to take it. I'm hoping it will help with the constant agitation and allow her to rest.  She can't do anything because she's too dizzy to sit up, her eyes don't work right so she can't read and talking makes her tired. Today I've turned on the CD player in the living and have it loud enough that she can hear it. When I checked on her a few minutes ago she had her hat pulled down over her eyes and was still. I think the music is helping her brain relax. A few minutes later someone pulled in the neighbors drive way and the dogs started barking. I'd put the dogs outside and leave them but they are sleeping in bed with her and I think the contact is nice and she's always cold so the body heat helps.

It's all just very sad.